Money & Her: It’s Time To Stop Outsourcing Money Decisions, Start Participating

Money has long been considered a measure of success. But for many women, the experience of earning, spending or even talking about money is layered with some unspoken emotions - doubt, guilt, hesitation, and often the quiet burden of being overlooked.

In this book, Money and her, published by 1 Finance (a personal finance advisory firm), author Lisa Pallavi Barbora peels back these layers, beginning with a moment that is all too familiar, an innocent question that leaves behind a trail of self-doubt.

Drawing anecdotes from her own life and from the lived experiences of fifteen other women, Barbora writes not just about personal finance, but about identity, power, and the quiet negotiations women have to make with every transition of life, be it marriage, motherhood, or career breaks.

Here is an excerpt from the preface of the book where Barbora talks about what it means for women to play multiple roles, while seeking financial independence.

She draws heavily from her own experiences to roll out these words of wisdom.

Money is the measure of success, or is it?

Each one of us is guided by a belief system, primarily formed through the experiences we had and the observations we made during our childhood. As a community, most of us have grown up to believe and consider money as the most crucial parameter to measure success. Our earnings or the cost of our house has somehow become the most accurate measure of our success, quality of life and capabilities. Every other measure pales in comparison. 

Women are embracing and excelling multiple roles in life; many, which aren’t commercial in nature. Being able to balance these roles, regardless of their monetary outcome, should be considered important and perhaps, a measure of success. However, that’s not the case. The balance is often lost, even when the intention to balance exists. I know it’s wrong to attach one’s self-worth to how much one earns; but subconsciously, it’s a frequent battle I am fighting with myself. And if I am fighting this lost battle, despite having a wide understanding of how money and emotions are interlinked, it’s safe to assume that other women are fighting it too. They are also dealing with this monstrous task of taming the voice inside their heads which pops up every now and then. A voice that keeps telling them that they are not enough, that being a provider is not their job, and that money matters need to be best left to the men in the house.

Ideally, who gets the job, the promotion, the contract and so on, should be a meritorious decision. But, is it? Gender biases exist; not just from the employer’s or vendor’s standpoint but also from the perspective of women and the lack of confidence that so many of us endure. And yet, by not taking that risk, by shying away from the idea of supporting ourselves financially, by shirking the responsibility to manage our money, as women, we are hurting ourselves. 

Whether we like it or not, money is the underlying reason behind much of what we feel, how we behave and the actions we take. This is true regardless of gender. Unfortunately, for a lot of women, this realisation about the role that money plays in life comes only after they are pushed to a corner. By then, for some, it may be too late.

Money Matters.

When the conversation veers to personal finance and investing, women happily admit that they don’t understand numbers and it’s not their cup of tea. Men, even if they don’t get it, won’t admit it, because society has determined that they must get it. Beyond the math that can seem scary, somewhere it’s accepted that women don’t need to indulge in managing money whereas men must. Even though money does not have a gender and doesn’t care about your gender, society has hardwired its gender roles. For centuries, earning and managing money has been a man’s job. It’s true that the landscape is changing now, but not nearly enough. 

In many homes, women continue to endure stifling lives, simply because they believe that they cannot play the dual role of being a caregiver as well as a breadwinner and consider themselves inadept at managing money or becoming financially independent. 

Most married women are happy to let go of the financial control, deeply convinced that their husbands know what they are doing and will take care of the money matters (hardwired gender bias). I wonder sometimes, while allowing themselves some leeway to take it easy, are women unknowingly pushing the men in their lives into an unknown - where they too may struggle to find their feet? After all, no one is born knowing the art of money management, man or woman.

Plus, life changes, doesn’t it? Relationships are dynamic and tomorrow is always uncertain. 

What if she eventually realizes that her marriage has failed and desires to opt out of it? And instead of honouring her wish, her spouse sees this as an opportunity to starve her financially and make her weaker, simply because he can? Or there comes a day when she realises that the life that they had taken for granted has been built on loans, lacking affordability and now lacking a way to repay those loans? There are so many stories of financial distress born from assuming that managing money is a role bound by gender.

We assume that life will continue happily because we share undying love and because families are forever. Until one day, death comes on a surprise visit, leaving one widowed with no way to resolve the financial lacuna left behind. Child birth, inheritance, starting your own venture or a desire to get back to building your own identity after a career break; life has so many phases, some unique to a woman's life. All these phases have an inflection point, questioning our financial capability and money quotient. At times, it seems too hard to tackle. Managing money seems like an additional task on an already full plate of responsibilities. 

In truth it’s not about the math behind the numbers. It’s not about making complicated investment decisions. It’s not about learning a new skill. It’s not even about whether the men in your life are capable of managing money or not. It’s just about understanding that you are the sole bearer of your life’s outcomes. Your life’s outcomes are an aggregate of the choices you are making every day. Money is the underlying factor behind many of our life’s outcomes and shying away from understanding and participating in money decisions is a choice that will hurt you. That’s the first reason for women to stop outsourcing money decisions that impact them and start participating. 

But then, what about the many women who choose to be homemakers? Does this discussion exclude them? Not at all! It’s my personal belief is that every human being should explore their ability to take care of themselves financially. You need to be able to fund your own life. Whether you do it or not is, of course, a choice. The complexity of performing the dual role of a caregiver and breadwinner, looking after young children or aging parents as well as working outside the home, is real. Therefore, it’s totally understandable why so many women stop or take a pause in their career. But why stop exploring your individual identity outside of your family? Who are you without them? Is that individual capable of being self-reliant? Your choice to be working outside your home or not should be made with this awareness. 

Not working outside the home and not earning is certainly not an excuse to disassociate yourself from the financial decisions involving your family. Participating in money decisions that impact your entire family does not take away from the time you spend on your other responsibilities. Money is not rocket - science and every individual, irrespective of gender, is capable of making spending and investment decisions. All you need to do is to dedicate a few hours every month to understand and update yourself about your household’s financial net worth and develop the ability to manage financial emergencies.

These are stories of women who found themselves at crossroads where financial awareness and decision making became unavoidable, even life-changing at times.

The book urges women to stay involved, ask questions, and to participate in the money matters that shape their lives every day. Because in the end, financial independence is not just about earning, it’s also about having a say.

What follows here is a glimpse into a larger conversation - one that many women have had silently in their heads, and one that this book dares to bring out into the open.